I blame you. Until you, I
never craved mocha-flavored goodness on a regular basis. Occasionally as
a treat, yes. Maybe a few iced-mochas each summer to take the edge off
the summer heat. Maybe a nice warm white-chocolate mocha with a shot of
raspberry at a coffee shop when your Dadda and I only had half an hour for our
"date" before picking up your siblings after work, or as a special
"I've earned it" treat on a cold winter's day. But wanting it
daily? "Needing" it daily? Earning free drinks for
ordering enough to fill a punch card? Buying it by the carton-full to
keep in our fridge, and having to force myself to practice self-restraint
enough to limit my consuming habit to once a week (which rarely worked)?
No, pregnancy cravings and utter exhaustion never pushed me over to the other
side previously. I never quite needed my "fix" the way I do
now. No. Not before you.Dear Lilly,
The fault is yours. Until you,
I never took chamomile supplements to calm my nerves. Sure, I dealt with
anxiety from time to time, yes. Usually when dealing with challenging
work tasks and the fear of who or what my professional self was called to
face. Usually when the introvert in me just wasn't sure about another
social invite to hang out with a big crowd, or couldn't handle the
overstimulating environment of the latest shopping center trip. But
facing a small child? Facing my own child? Needing something
to bring my heart rate down just from watching a little blonde head bounce back
and forth with as much speed and excitement as her mouth? Looking for
peace and calm in tea or pill form? No, no one led me to Target's
pharmacy aisle or sent me to my cupboard for my al natural
over-the-counter version of "mommy's little helper" previously.
I never had to pay such close attention to my breathing before. No.
Not before you. Dear Adrian,
You stand accused. Until you,
I never knew tired. Oh I thought I did it's true. Yes, I kept track of
every quarter-hour of lost sleep in high school with all my OCD passion, being
sure that any and everyone who suggested early morning activities knew just how
behind I was. True that college and grad school added a level of
hard-work fatigue to any late night or early morning activities I chose to take
away from my sleep. But the inability to sleep soundly? The
inability to sleep period? Having instantly new ears that suddenly
hear every toss-and-turn and whine and whimper, or lack-there-of, as if a
megaphone were amplifying it right from your room to my ears? The sheer
quantity of un-chosen late night, all night, early morning, nap time, and lack-of-nap
time activities that seem to snowball until my "I haven't slept in
weeks" turned painfully into "months" and then
"years?" No, a lifetime of school, people, events and even the
worst night's worry never kept my ears so alert and my spirit so pooped
prior. I never knew such an un-stopable attentiveness before.
No. Not before you. Dear Mike,
Shame on you. Until you, I
never knew messy. A little bit here and there, maybe. The
occasional too busy doing homework to sweep and vacuum, or to sweep out the
thoughts of my busy brain, perhaps. The every-now-and-then chaos of
papers piled so high or emotions running high enough that they fall over,
maybe. But seeing messy as the norm? Living messy as the norm?
Laundry baskets as overflowing as my prayer journal is empty? Dust and
crumbs and clutter covering every surface of our home in parallel with the
complication and challenge that decorates the decisions and situations covering
our days? No, life never seemed like a good cleansing was more in order
and less within reach than it does now. I never had to work so hard
before. No. Not before you. Dear family,
You're to blame. Until you, I
never knew love. Well, I knew it quite a bit actually. With an
amazing family of origin and extended family that taught me so much how to give
of yourself and let go of yourself out of love for those around you. With
spectacular Christ-centered friends who taught me that it's not enough just to
have a good time, if that good time isn't accompanied by prayer for and with
those you care about. But true, deep, emptying love? Intense,
powerful, gut-wrenching love? A love that takes all the mess of
relationship and struggle, of life and death, of good days and bad days - takes
all that mess, and makes it holy and beautiful? A love that takes so much
time, work and presence that it is beyond tiring, and yet somehow is also the
most life-giving and energizing thing you never could have imagined? A
love that is constantly surprising, and pushes you into states of being you
never thought you could handle, only to bring you out stronger, and happier, on
the other side? A love so sweet it's as if someone covered your heart
with whipped cream and is just taunting you to drink it all in, enjoying every
second of the simple joys?
No. No combination of four people has ever before had such a powerful impact on me.
Never before have I missed - truly longed, ached for - those smiles, the laughter, silly games, hugs and hand-holding, even tiny footsteps in the middle of the night; I never quite needed my "fix" the way I do now.
Never before have I been so aware of the beauty of thump-thump-thumps beating in ultrasounds or in the chests of those with whom I snuggle close, making me ever so thankful for the life within and around me; I never paid such close attention to breathing before.
Never before have I felt so blessed by little things, hanging on every happening - from funny random things said, to coos, to loving songs from the backseat, to the sound of an inadequate muffler coming up the driveway, to 14 finally making its way back between 13 and 15 - I can't stop rejoicing at what I'm sure seems trivial, if noticed at all, by others; I never knew such an un-stopable attentiveness before.
Never before have I wanted with every ounce of my being to be good at something, to be constantly better at being your wife and mother - hoping, praying, changing, apologizing, trying again, and then doing it all over again day after day to make the space in which we dwell worthy of the space you hold in my heart; I never had to work so hard before.
No. Not before all of you.
It's thanks to you that I know
love. That I know how to love. That I know myself better.
That I know God better. You
have changed me. You have completely overturned my life. You have
made everything I thought was good so much better. It's all your
fault. I blame you entirely. Thanks a lot.
Seriously, thanks a lot!
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