My Amaris

When we found out we were pregnant again, after two miscarriages in a row, I couldn't get the idea of a "Rainbow Baby" out of my head.  A Rainbow Baby is the term used for a child born after a loss.  This would be a "double-rainbow" baby, and I couldn't wait to welcome them!

Bound and determined that this time would be different, that this long-awaited life would be ours at last, the planner (and dreamer) in me started thinking about names right away.  And while "Rainbow" seemed a bit too hippy-like even for my taste, I was captivated by the idea of a name that held meaning and significance for this special gift - this covenant, or promise, of life after the storm.

And in my search for such a name, I came across all kinds of words and names that (supposedly) meant "promise."  But the one that stood out to me was "Amaris."

One definition listed it as "promise." One said its origins meant "promise of GOD."

Others listed other meanings - from "Given by GOD" to "GOD has said."  Plenty of variations, but always the same theme. 

Amaris.

GOD's promise. 

I liked it!

(Mike, not so much)

So in my prayers, in my private talking to the baby, in my thoughts and plans and dreams (despite knowing that I wouldn't likely win Mike over and actually have a baby Amaris in several months, even if he did like it better than "Rainbow"), I called this child "My Amaris."  My promise.  GOD's promised gift to me. 

. . .

But then came the horrible series of events.  The scan that didn't measure up quite right.  The wait.  The follow-up that didn't look good.  The confirmation.  The loss.  The pain.  The heartache.

This child I had dreamed of, this promise of life after what already felt like too much death, was gone.

And in my grief, I cursed the GOD whose "promise" now felt empty.  What a lie, I thought, to promise life, to promise never again to take life, only to take the fourth life in total from us.  What a joke.

. . .

But then came the quiet reminder.  The tossing out old notes and drafted emails with thoughts and news and ideas and to-do's for the baby.  Sorting through and clearing out those things that we no longer needed in the coming months.  And one of them proving exactly what I needed right then: the scratch paper with potential names.

And there, next to "Amaris" was scratched not only "promise" and "promise of GOD," but the Latin word "Amor" and the note "Love of GOD."

Love.

That was the promise.

Not life.  Not a guarantee that we would not suffer or lose.  Not a promise that this time would end how we wanted it, or even that we may ever see an end result of ease.  But that no matter what - in loss as in life, in suffering as in joy - that we would be LOVED.

That is the promise of GOD.

That is my Amaris.

. . .

Admittedly, some days are easier to believe this than others.  (Admittedly, some days are MUCH more difficult to believe this than others!) 

But in my heart, I know it to be true.  That I am loved.  That I am held through all of this (and more) by a GOD who is Love.  That this Amaris is here, will never leave me.

Each and every child I have held - in my body or my arms - has been this Amaris.  Each and every person who has offered kindness, compassion and prayers - knowingly or not - has been this Amaris.  Each and every day that an invisible hand guides me and gives me the strength that I alone do not posses - to get through what I alone cannot do - has been this Amaris.  In good times, and in bad, GOD's love has been - and will be - there.

The promise that never again will there be such a storm that I have to go through alone. 

And on the good days, I am able to see the evidence of this.  They show me how strong and faithful the promise of GOD's Love is.

And on the bad days, when I cannot see it, when it is hard to believe, even then it is there.  That is the beauty of this promise - it does not rely on me.  It is still with me, whether I choose to feel it, to believe it, to want it or not.  

It admittedly is not the promise I wanted.  It's not the gift we prayed for.  But it is - it has been - it will be - the promise that is forever mine nevertheless.

The one I can not lose. 

My Amaris.  

"God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations: 

I have set my bow in the clouds, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between me and the earth.  

When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is on the earth.”   
 (Genesis 9:12...16)