The Surprising Miss Lilly

Lilly was a surprise.  Though we had talked and prayed about having another baby, and sooner-rather-than later, I must admit that her arrival was a bit ‘sooner’ than even we had imagined.  In fact, we didn’t (nor did our doctor) think it was even possible to get pregnant yet.  But here we were, expecting another little one.  And I freaked out.  I cried more than my share of tears (not always sure if they were good or bad tears).  I was terrified that I could not handle two.  I was sure I wouldn’t be a good mother to Adrian while giving what this little one needed, and vice-versa.  I worried about what we were putting my body through, let alone our finances.  I was uncertain.  I was doubtful.  I was afraid. 

And to top it off, Lilly didn’t go easy on me in my first month and a half of pregnancy.  I remember quite clearly, on Thanksgiving weekend, being up unable to sleep because I wasn’t feeling well (again), and putting my hands on my stomach, with tears in my eyes, begging the baby to be gentle on me.  That was the last time I was up sick (up with other discomforts and worries, sure; but the baby had heard my plea, and was very gentle on my digestive tract at least from that point on).  After that, as I cried again, this time with gratitude, I knew – knew that this child was special.  This child was a blessing.  An undeserved gift, a pure grace from God.  They were not something to be feared, but someone with whom I would have a special connection.  They were not something to be uncertain of, but a miracle to trust boldly.  And I suddenly recognized that special gift all too clearly as something I couldn’t take for granted.  Something that was meant for beauty, for amazing goodness.  And I knew that we were going to be ok. 

Today is Lilly’s third birthday.  And though I say it often, it’s hard to describe just how true to that realization she has been.  My daughter is a grace!  A presence when I didn’t think it was possible.  An appearance that I didn’t think I was ready for.  A spirit that connects and hears mine.  A life that shows me God’s goodness in a very real way.  A beauty that I can never take for granted.  A surprise that I can’t get over.  She was in those first months of getting to know and grow with one another during pregnancy, and she still is today. 

From her laugh to her hugs (especially the kind where she wraps her arms around you and then picks her little legs up off the ground), from her sweetness to her cuteness, from her desire to wear dresses and have the pink bowl to her unbelievable inability to be lady-like and her strong ability to hold her own with her brother (which she had figured out in a feisty way at only a few months old already!), from her distractible attention span to her intensely clever mind, from the everyday habits to the catch-me-off-guard moments, Lilly continues to surprise me.  But just like her initial arrival on the scene of our lives (not to mention the graceful and unique way she arrived in the world three years ago today), it is a surprise that, despite all fears and questions and even painful tears initially, always seems to show amazing goodness in the end.  She is a surprise that continues to connect and lead me to God.  

You see, Lilly is not an easy child!  We still have plenty of “incidences” all too similar to those first few weeks (where my stomach churns and I feel like I’ll never make it through the time that remains caring for this little beast…not to mention the incidences where I’m up when I should be sleeping).  Her high energy and inability to sit still or stop talking drastically clashes with my need for quiet, still and calm.  Her feisty, knows what she wants, hold her own attitude clashes with my unobtrusive, passive, non-controversial style.  In so many ways, we’re very different.  And those differences, combined with the general challenges of raising a toddler (let alone two with a baby on the way), have had me crying more than my preferred share of tears over the years.  At times, I am terrified that I can’t handle a high-octane child like her; I am sure I am not being a good mother for what she needs; I worry about what I’m putting myself, let alone our relationship, through.  I am uncertain.  I am doubtful.  I am scared. 

But in the end Lilly somehow always seems to hear my plea to go gentle on me.  She invites me to “ask Jesus” when she notices me crying, she gives me leg-lifting hugs when I need a moment to just “be,” she learns something new just when I’m ready to give up hope of my un-lady-like-attention-deficit-likely-little brute ever listening to me, she twinkles those insanely gorgeous eyes and flashes her grin when I need a reminder to loosen up the corners of my own mouth, and she pulls out a surprising action, line or question to make me laugh out loud, sometimes at the same time as I’m crying.  She is not an easy child for me.  Our spirits seem so different that it’s hard to understand at times how we ever connect.  Often times I wonder how she ever managed to come from me.  But it’s then that I seem to realize all over again, she didn’t – she came from God.  And in those moments I am reminded, just like on that first thanksgiving weekend, that we’re going to be ok.  

Lilly is not only a special gift I connect with in a surprising way, in a way I don’t always see as possible, but is a vessel that has in so many ways helped me connect with God.  That’s what makes her a grace – the surprisingness and the Godliness, and how the two seem to come together in an unexpected co-mingling. 

I think that’s how God’s grace works – the crazy, unthinkable and the perfect, remarkable coming together.  An undeserved gift wrapped in a pristine package amidst candelabras and classical music would be too easy to take for granted.  But that surprise gift literally thrown at you when you least expect it, under flickering florescent light with “Carmina Burana” as your background theme – now that’s something I can appreciate!  It is in the messy that God’s grace is made most real!  If my journey with Lilly had been easy and pristine from the start, I don’t think I would see how incredibly miraculous she is.  If she were an easy and pristine child, I don’t think I would be aware of how beautiful she is.  It is the messiness of our relationship as mother and child that helps me see just how big of a blessing from God she truly is, just how much grace God has to offer me always.  All the challenges, from start through today, are a part of the goodness that God wants for me.  And I am grateful that my Lord sent Lilly as Her messenger of that goodness, His instrument of grace!  

With Lilly (as with our God), no matter how our time together starts, somehow we always seem to connect and do ok in the end.  Despite the surprises, the things I don’t know are even possible and all my doubts and fears, life with Her always turns out good.   She never fails to have me seeing anew the divine plan for goodness, even (especially) mingled in with chaos and fear.  And each day, each moment, each “incident,” seems to end once again with me saying thank you for the beautiful blessings around me.  My adventures with Lilly are a lot like those with my God – stomach churning and uncertain at times, but gentle and grace-filled in the end.  

On this day three years ago I welcomed the gift I had been waiting for, the very special and surprising gift that I came to realize would be amazing and could not be taken for granted.  And I haven't, I can’t – Lilly’s beauty and God’s grace won’t let me.  

 Thank You God for using Lilly to continue blessing me in surprising (aka beautiful) ways these past three years.  I pray that as she grows, I may do likewise for her.

Happy Birthday to my Lilly Bean, my beautiful blessing!