Feeling Them Move

There is absolutely no feeling like it in the world.  The feeling when you first feel your baby move inside you!  And then each time after that!  How can you describe to someone who hasn’t had that experience what it’s like – the tiny “bubbles” or “butterflies” at first, that slowly grow into jabs and twists in the months that follow?  What it’s like to both feel pain (the baby is not always gentle or comfortable, least of all when they’re butterflying right into your bladder) at the same time as such joy (but who cares, because it’s your little one wriggling in there, letting you know they’re ok)?  You can’t.  But trust me, there’s absolutely no feeling like it in the world! 

And that’s why this baby scares me.  I mean terrifies me!  Because sometimes, he/she stops wriggling.  This little one will thump and bump and wriggle and jiggle inside me like crazy.  All day long, to the point where I wonder if and when they will ever sleep, and what kind of dance moves they are practicing in their tiny little indoor studio.  But then, they’ll just stop.  Stop for a day or so.  I don’t feel the movements anymore, and I get so scared.  The extremes of it – from Dance, Dance Revolution to statuette –  worries me.  Even though I have noticed this pattern before, and they have always moved again, I still find myself in those moments of stillness fearing the worst.  I pray and pray (and poke, talk, sing and beg – God and my stomach) to feel that movement within me again! 

But I also stop.  Forcing myself to stop cleaning, chasing kids, cooking supper, focusing on my big work project, trying to be sociable, exercising or even reading sometimes.  I have to STOP, and be still.  Completely still, for more than just a second, or even minute or two.  Allowing myself to push out all the other things that might be getting in the way of me feeling that movement. 

And there they are once more.  Those little bubbles, those jabs, those rolls and strange alien movements that you can’t quite describe other than to say you’ve never felt anything so amazing.  Perhaps (most likely) they were moving all along, and I just wasn’t still and focused enough to notice.  But either way, I love to feel them move again.  There truly is no feeling (the combination of relief, joy, gratitude, strangeness, life, sweetness, awkwardness and happiness) like it in the world! 

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But recently, as I was lying on my bed, hands on my stomach waiting for the movement within me yet again, I spent some time wondering what other movements I might be missing.  Wondered if we take the time, in prayer and in holding still, to feel God moving in our lives, moving within us. 

How often do we allow ourselves to get so busy (cleaning, chasing kids, cooking supper, focusing on work projects, being sociable, running or filling our brains) that we miss the presence of a life always dwelling within us?  How often is God pushing and moving within us, and we simply can’t feel it?  Do we let our busy schedules and chaotic households serve as our excuse for failing to feel the small or significant bubbles and jabs of the Holy Spirit? 

Recently I have noticed a few changes in myself, changes that I believe are for the better.  And I honestly had to ask myself, “When did that happen?”  God had moved in me, moved me towards being a better person, and I hadn’t even taken the time to notice it.  Perhaps (most likely) God is always moving in our lives, always moving us, and I just wasn’t still and focused enough to feel it.  What other movements have I missed I can’t help but wonder.  And what others might I continue to miss along the way if I don’t stop and take the time to ask (to poke, talk, sing and beg) God to move in me again, allowing myself to push out all the other things that might be getting in the way of feeling that movement.  What might we all miss if we don’t take the time to be still enough to notice the incredible feeling of God’s love and life stirring within us? 

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I know without a doubt that when this little one arrives this fall, my life will just get busier and my household more chaotic.  I fear I will fall back into the trap of not taking the time to be still (and let’s face it, a mother doesn’t get a whole lot of chances for that!), to pray, to focus.  As I most recently allowed myself to lay still and wait for my little one to move again, I prayed not so much this time for their movement, but that I might look back on these early moments with my little one and remember the first lesson of faith this child offered me – that I must offer myself the same amount and focus of prayer, the same time to be still, to asking for the Divine movement as I have with them.  And though not every movement of the Holy Spirit in my life will be pain-free, gentle or comfortable, I also trust that there truly is no feeling (the combination of relief, joy, gratitude, strangeness, life, sweetness, awkwardness and happiness) like it in the world!   

I can’t wait to feel that movement again. 

“Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10)