Waiting to Hear

It was the scariest few seconds!  Every time.  Sitting in the doctor's office, the cold gel on my stomach, waiting for the Doppler to pick up the "thump-thump, thump-thump" sound I was so longing to hear.  After our miscarriage I could not go to a doctor's appointment for our next children without the memory of that first silence creeping in and fear taking hold.  It was usually only a few short seconds, if even that long, but it felt like an eternity.  Felt like time stood still, every time, while I waited to hear and know that they were still with me. 

And of course, when I would hear it, I couldn't help but smile.  It was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard!  Every time.  

I was recently thinking about these moments of silence and fear, and the joy that comes with hearing that one simple sound.  And I  couldn't help but wonder what other sounds we wait to hear, long to hear, need to hear, fear the silence of.  Simple sounds, that can make a world of difference.  Sounds we're afraid we may not hear. 

I love you.

You're beautiful.

Well done.

You're not alone.

Those messages that let us know that someone is still with us. Will always be with us.

* * *

I think "You're forgiven" may be another of those sounds.  It's not one we often hear.  The idea of forgiveness today seems to have been simplified to a basic "that's ok" or "don't worry about it," if any words of forgiveness are spoken at all.  Yet do we, as humans, still long to hear that we're forgiven?  While it may not be as obvious a longing as some of the other messages we wait to hear, I'd still like to think so.

I'd still like to believe that we value our relationships enough to desire to know that the other is still with us, in a peaceful and loving state.  I'd like to believe that we still value ourselves enough to want to know that we are fully worthy of another's love and relationship, despite our downfalls.  I'd like to believe that we value our GOD enough to long to know that we are living in the example He set for us.  I believe we wait, we long, we need to hear we are forgiven.  Perhaps we even fear the silence of that message. 

Perhaps the silence and waiting has been so long that we don't even realize any more how beautiful a sound it can be.  How life-changing it can be. 

Or perhaps, in many ways, as much as we fear the absence of that message, we may also fear hearing it.  Precisely because it can be life-changing.  

Being forgiven means making decisions and living in a different way.  Means challenging ourselves to be better, to strive as hard as we can (even though we will still fall short no doubt) to be worthy of those words.  Being forgiven means our relationship taking on a new level.  Means knowing how hard that forgiveness can often be to give, and therefore how deep the other's love for us is to have offered it.  Hearing we are forgiven isn't a sound that can simply pass through our ears and roll off our backs.  It means being ready for change - but a change for the good. 

Like the sound of my children's heartbeats, hearing that sound means things are about to be very different!  But despite the challenge that may mean, it is a wonderful kind of different.  The best kind.   Those "thump-thump's" of my growing little ones made me excited for change.  Because I knew that the change meant life.  Meant love.  Meant everything (challenges and future struggles included) was going to be ok, because GOD's will for me was of goodness.  I knew that was what GOD desired for me, even more so than I was desiring it.  Forgiveness can be the heartbeat of love in our relationships; reconciliation the life blood of our communities and world.  I believe that is what GOD desires for us, even more so than we may desire it for ourselves.  It is a sound we should not fear to hear, but fear the silence of. 

* * *

Tonight is my parish's Lenten Reconciliation Service.  And I imagine, as in past years, it won't be a packed house.  This is a Sacrament that seems more and more to get lost in our society.  I have had many discussions - with youth and adults alike - during my years in ministry about what this sacrament means and why we (do we?) really need it.  There are certainly those who struggle to understand.  There are those who have given up on it all together.  And those who have never really given it a chance to begin with. 

And I must confess (no pun intended) even for me, a full and faithful believer in the Sacrament, I seldom receive it.  Quite seldom actually.  But still in my heart I love the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  Perhaps because forgiveness is a sound I long to hear, have waited for what feels like too long sometimes to hear.

Perhaps because in a world where we seldom hear the sound "You are forgiven," the Sacrament allows us to break the silence with that wonderful message.  A sound that in its simplicity also carries the complexity of other wonderful sounds:

I love you.

You're beautiful.

Well done.

You're not alone.

A message that helps us know that someone, an incredible and loving GOD, is still with us.  Will always be with us.

While I may not be the best example of this, and while it may be difficult for me to explain, I believe in the Sacrament of Reconciliation, because I believe that the "thump-thump" of GOD's  heart beats for us.  It comes to us through the "Doppler" of the Sacrament to tell us we are always His, are always a treasured part of Her life.  It comes to us to let us know that everything is going to be ok, and there is a divine will of goodness - of life and love - waiting for us.  Hearing that message just may change things; but it is a change we all need, we all deserve, we all long for. 

No matter if it's been seconds, or what feels like an eternity, I believe we all long to hear this sound.  And it can be the most beautiful sound!  Every time.  

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

~ Bryand McGill ~