Child of the Universe: Adopting a New Understanding

I’ve been thinking about adoption a lot lately. Adoption has always been a big part of my life. I grew up with three cousins who were adopted into our family, and later the number of cousin adoptions nearly doubled, as my own parents adopted five children. One of my cousins has since also adopted her children, and I am thankful for each and every one of these adopted additions; I know our family wouldn't be the same without them! But despite its presence throughout my life, I recently got a taste of the adoption journey myself.

Last week we adopted a new member of our family – a lovely Golden Retriever dog named Morgan. We have been wanting and hoping for this for a long time now, so it was in many ways a dream come true. It was a very exciting day, and has been exciting and beautiful since, as we’ve been working to get everyone acquainted with each other and watching relationships and love forming. But the journey to her wasn’t all beauty, joy and what we'd dreamed.

Before Morgan, we fell in love with a dog named Copper. Copper was big and fluffy and beautiful and calm and very, very handsome. He lived at the Humane Society, and we decided that he should live at our house! So we filled out the adoption application, put our money down, and went home to start fixing up the dog house and kennel. Unfortunately, God had other plans. When we found Copper we were told we needed to wait until he had his examination by a vet, so we left him there and waited – very anxiously. We received a call a few days later letting us know that the vet who did Copper’s evaluation had determined that he had a torn ACL in one of his back legs. The Humane Society couldn’t afford the surgery, so were going to turn him over to another rescue organization that could. Even though we were already familiar with the rescue organization (we’ve previously looked into them in our quest for our dog, only to realize they aren’t a realistic rescue organization for our family), in our desperation to keep Copper, we took their information again from the Humane Society. We also contacted multiple vet clinics; maybe we could finance it so we could pay for his surgery. No such luck. For a dog his size, the surgery ranged from $1800-$3200 – neither of which we could even remotely afford. And even though we contacted the rescue agency about him, we heard nothing in return (and continued looking into their organization just proved even more so that their expectations and requirements were not something that meshed with our family – financially or ethically). I finally let go of all hope, realizing that no matter how much we wanted to and what we tried, we could not adopt Copper. My heart broke. Even though I wanted to believe that it was because God had another, even more perfect, dog for our family, or had another more perfect family for Copper, it was hard to understand. I cried for days. Even though Copper had never truly been ours, I felt like he had, and I mourned for our lost dog!

We returned to a life without our furry family member, and we waited, praying that God would help us understand and hopefully, when the time was right, find the right addition to give our family the happy ending we thought we had found.

Then came Morgan. We learned about Morgan and immediately made plans to meet her and her family. Within a few days we had the dog house moved and a new leash, dishes and lead waiting for her, just in case. We took the whole family to meet her, and she was perfect. Gorgeous, sweet, fun, from a great family, good with kids and cats, and short for her age/breed (so she’d indeed fit in perfect with our family – both because smaller is better for the kids and because, let’s face it, that describes us too). We asked our questions; her family asked us a few; and in the end we all came to the same conclusion – we were meant to adopt Morgan. But then came the hard part.

With Copper deciding to adopt him was exciting for everyone involved – the workers and volunteers at the shelter wanted him to go to a good home, and everyone knew a shelter isn’t the place for an animal to stay. Taking him home would have been a joyful moment all-around. So it never occurred to me that adopting our dog directly from their previous family wouldn’t have the same feel. I never imagined the difficulty of watching her family try and say good-bye to her, of their sadness at seeing her go even though they knew it was for the best, or of how wrong I was in unconsciously assuming that because they were looking to find a new home for her they didn’t deeply love her or want her still. I never imagined the hard decision they were making and their sacrifice for what was best for Morgan, nor had I imagined how much I would wish I didn’t have to close that van door and drive away with her, even though I wanted her and knew we could give her a good, loving home. Adding her to our family meant another one was losing her (and she them). Words can’t even describe how hard a moment it was. Her previous family’s kids went in the house, unable to watch her leave; and their mother’s teary-eyed hug broke my heart…again. For the second time, I cried. Even though she was now ours, I felt like she wasn’t completely, and I mourned for her lost family and their love!

Although things are going well now, the journey has taught me a lot. The search, the find (or so we thought), the financial questions, the loss, the uncertainty of agencies who are supposed to be there to help, the attempt to trust God and a will beyond ourselves that we just don’t understand (and sure as heck don’t want), the waiting, the hard decisions, what’s left behind. Within only a short period of time my heart broke multiple times as we went through a roller-coaster of emotions on our adoption journey.

But I think perhaps why it hurt the most, and why it still does despite our “happy ending,” is that I know this adoption journey is only the tip of the iceberg compared to the heartbreak and difficulty of families dealing with adoption of their children, those families still waiting and praying for their happy ending, and on a much deeper level.

Very dear friends of ours are dealing with this journey in their lives, and have been for quite a while. Only their search is even more difficult; their waiting has been so much longer; their financial questions much greater; the uncertainty of agencies even more-so; the losses they have experienced incredibly more painful; the hard decisions they and potential birthmothers have to make are so much more challenging; and their trust in God and a will they don’t understand (and sure as heck don’t want) is light-years beyond any I have ever had! So while I know it’s a poor analogy in many ways, and in comparison only touches the surface of the pain and challenge they go through, I do believe that our journey to grow our (furry) family has helped me understand a bit more about their heartbreaking and difficult journey. And although we have been praying for their family every day for so long, these prayers now have new meaning and emotion for me.

But the basic hope remains the same; we pray for them (and for all parents looking to adopt or to make an adoption plan for their child) to find one another. And when they do, we know a lovely short Golden Retriever who will be waiting with kisses for the new family friend. We also know that hers will hugely suffer in comparison to the love and kisses you will offer your new child. And that is precisely why we pray every day for your "happy ending!"