Make Over

I got bored.  Not the kind of boredom that comes from having empty time on my hands.  Quite the contrary actually; I couldn’t find enough time to get everything I needed and wanted to done no matter how hard I tried!  You see, it was a few months into Lilly’s “Sleep-at-night-Protest” and “Opposite-of-hunger-Strike.”  She wasn’t sleeping through the night, and she was demanding food sometimes multiple times a night.  I was EXHAUSTED, to say the least.  I was losing my mind (and along with it productivity, relationships and joy).  And in replacement of those things came a feeling of ‘yuckiness’ – inside and out.  It’s hard to explain, but I didn’t feel good.  I felt disgusting, unattractive, uninspired, and ill-equipped as a mom and as a woman.  And somehow that lack-of-good feeling translated into ‘bored’ – with myself. 

So I decided it was time for some change.  I’d make myself a new person – a person who’s inspiring (not one so tired she can’t think clearly and makes no sense and you don’t want to talk to her).  A person who’s fit (not so busy she can’t find the time to work out anymore and still carries a slight “I confess I just had two kids in a row” tummy).  A person who’s fun (not one so overwhelmed that even the thought of a social life makes her more tired and has her in bed by 8:45pm on Saturday night).  A person who’s attractive (not one so busy she can’t squeeze in a shower in the morning or a good face wash in the evening, let alone do anything about the bags under her eyes).  A person who makes things happen (not just makes breastmilk and diapers).  If life as a tired mom was getting to be too tough, all I had to do was make myself seem like someone else.  And so I started the “make-over.” 

I re-did my blog, and promised to write more, different reflections.  I bought new “stylish” blouses to mask my recently-baby-on-board evidence.  I ordered new, wildly different glasses (that the nurses said they’d never even had the courage to ask someone to try on before).  I made an appointment to get my hair done – cut and color.  I saved some of my monthly allowance to buy that teeth whitening stuff.  I even spent more money than I usually would on a fancy, fitted, new ‘little black dress.’  Yep, I did several things to help make me feel like the new me.  And the end result? 

I like my blog; but that’s about it.  Some of my shirts are darling, but honestly my old far-from-stylish boss came in wearing one of the exact same ones the other day (I won’t be wearing that one anymore!)  The glasses look cute, but they’re still a bit more than I’m used to (not to mention I look just like my mother’s high school graduation picture).  I really don’t like my ‘zebra’ hair; it’s just too blonde and doesn’t feel natural enough for me.  I can’t tell a difference with my teeth (and I’d rather have spent my allowance on ‘teeth yellowing’ agents like a good Starbucks mocha drink or king-sized KitKat bar).  And it only took about a day for me to realize that the dress isn’t right for the occasion I told myself I’d wear it for (and thus justified spending the money on it for), and considering it didn’t seem to fit nearly as well by the time I got home I’m fairly sure I won’t actually wear this one (like the many other dresses hanging in my closet).  Yep, over all my “make-over” was, as my little brothers would say, an “epic fail!” 

And the real kicker: Lilly is now sleeping, and not eating, at night.  I find myself feeling better, and less bored, with life as a mom.  I guess I just needed to wait a bit longer before my boredom would transform into security and peace.  I think in the end that is what I was actually looking for.  I didn’t want a new me; I just wanted a me who feels comfortable and confident in herself and her role as a young-family Mom.  I may still not be entirely there, and there will certainly be up’s and down’s (and up’s in the middle of the night) for a long time.  But I’m closer.  And no blog, hairstylist or Crest can help with that. 

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P.S.  I wrote this blog a few weeks ago, and just didn’t get around to posting it yet.  Meanwhile, twice in the past two days people have made the comment, "You look great!"  Thank you!  But since I was wearing older (worn and/or faded) attire both days and had my hair up in my hide-it-all-no-time-to-do-anything-with-it ponytail (and I may have still had lunch in my teeth for one of them), I’m pretty sure none of my make-over attempts had anything to do with the compliment.  I’m guessing it was one of two things.  It was likely either: 1. people just being nice (when I actually looked the opposite of great, and they figured I needed the pick-me-up).  Or 2. My case in point - that confidence does create beauty (not the other way around).  If there is one thing I have learned from these past few months and my epic fail make-over, it is just that – nothing external is going to make me look as good as an internal make-over will.   

As I got over my surprise, smiled and thanked my friends for their compliments, I couldn’t help but think of my daughter.  I can only hope and pray that this beautiful little girl will grow up feeling beautiful; that while I see her as ridiculously lovely already, that she will come to recognize it in herself too.  I hope that I can raise her in a way that builds her confidence, without external promises.  And while I want her to hear the comment "you look great" often, it is my wish that she learns to place her trust in the beauty that comes from being self-confident, not that which comes from any make-over.  

Lilly, you look great!!!