Make Over

I got bored.  Not the kind of boredom that comes from having empty time on my hands.  Quite the contrary actually; I couldn’t find enough time to get everything I needed and wanted to done no matter how hard I tried!  You see, it was a few months into Lilly’s “Sleep-at-night-Protest” and “Opposite-of-hunger-Strike.”  She wasn’t sleeping through the night, and she was demanding food sometimes multiple times a night.  I was EXHAUSTED, to say the least.  I was losing my mind (and along with it productivity, relationships and joy).  And in replacement of those things came a feeling of ‘yuckiness’ – inside and out.  It’s hard to explain, but I didn’t feel good.  I felt disgusting, unattractive, uninspired, and ill-equipped as a mom and as a woman.  And somehow that lack-of-good feeling translated into ‘bored’ – with myself. 

So I decided it was time for some change.  I’d make myself a new person – a person who’s inspiring (not one so tired she can’t think clearly and makes no sense and you don’t want to talk to her).  A person who’s fit (not so busy she can’t find the time to work out anymore and still carries a slight “I confess I just had two kids in a row” tummy).  A person who’s fun (not one so overwhelmed that even the thought of a social life makes her more tired and has her in bed by 8:45pm on Saturday night).  A person who’s attractive (not one so busy she can’t squeeze in a shower in the morning or a good face wash in the evening, let alone do anything about the bags under her eyes).  A person who makes things happen (not just makes breastmilk and diapers).  If life as a tired mom was getting to be too tough, all I had to do was make myself seem like someone else.  And so I started the “make-over.” 

I re-did my blog, and promised to write more, different reflections.  I bought new “stylish” blouses to mask my recently-baby-on-board evidence.  I ordered new, wildly different glasses (that the nurses said they’d never even had the courage to ask someone to try on before).  I made an appointment to get my hair done – cut and color.  I saved some of my monthly allowance to buy that teeth whitening stuff.  I even spent more money than I usually would on a fancy, fitted, new ‘little black dress.’  Yep, I did several things to help make me feel like the new me.  And the end result? 

I like my blog; but that’s about it.  Some of my shirts are darling, but honestly my old far-from-stylish boss came in wearing one of the exact same ones the other day (I won’t be wearing that one anymore!)  The glasses look cute, but they’re still a bit more than I’m used to (not to mention I look just like my mother’s high school graduation picture).  I really don’t like my ‘zebra’ hair; it’s just too blonde and doesn’t feel natural enough for me.  I can’t tell a difference with my teeth (and I’d rather have spent my allowance on ‘teeth yellowing’ agents like a good Starbucks mocha drink or king-sized KitKat bar).  And it only took about a day for me to realize that the dress isn’t right for the occasion I told myself I’d wear it for (and thus justified spending the money on it for), and considering it didn’t seem to fit nearly as well by the time I got home I’m fairly sure I won’t actually wear this one (like the many other dresses hanging in my closet).  Yep, over all my “make-over” was, as my little brothers would say, an “epic fail!” 

And the real kicker: Lilly is now sleeping, and not eating, at night.  I find myself feeling better, and less bored, with life as a mom.  I guess I just needed to wait a bit longer before my boredom would transform into security and peace.  I think in the end that is what I was actually looking for.  I didn’t want a new me; I just wanted a me who feels comfortable and confident in herself and her role as a young-family Mom.  I may still not be entirely there, and there will certainly be up’s and down’s (and up’s in the middle of the night) for a long time.  But I’m closer.  And no blog, hairstylist or Crest can help with that. 

….....

P.S.  I wrote this blog a few weeks ago, and just didn’t get around to posting it yet.  Meanwhile, twice in the past two days people have made the comment, "You look great!"  Thank you!  But since I was wearing older (worn and/or faded) attire both days and had my hair up in my hide-it-all-no-time-to-do-anything-with-it ponytail (and I may have still had lunch in my teeth for one of them), I’m pretty sure none of my make-over attempts had anything to do with the compliment.  I’m guessing it was one of two things.  It was likely either: 1. people just being nice (when I actually looked the opposite of great, and they figured I needed the pick-me-up).  Or 2. My case in point - that confidence does create beauty (not the other way around).  If there is one thing I have learned from these past few months and my epic fail make-over, it is just that – nothing external is going to make me look as good as an internal make-over will.   

As I got over my surprise, smiled and thanked my friends for their compliments, I couldn’t help but think of my daughter.  I can only hope and pray that this beautiful little girl will grow up feeling beautiful; that while I see her as ridiculously lovely already, that she will come to recognize it in herself too.  I hope that I can raise her in a way that builds her confidence, without external promises.  And while I want her to hear the comment "you look great" often, it is my wish that she learns to place her trust in the beauty that comes from being self-confident, not that which comes from any make-over.  

Lilly, you look great!!!  

Why J is my favorite letter, and what I'm doing to spice it up

It’s a family feud once a week – Saturday Clean Up Day.  My husband and I disagree on the idea.  He dislikes it.  I love it.  He doesn’t like it because he always had to do it growing up.  I like it because we always did it growing up.  He says it’s the weekend; time for a day off.  I say it’s the weekend; time to get something done.  He doesn’t want to have to do so much in just one day.  I want the feeling of productivity that comes from doing so much in just one day.  Aside from the on-going argument over cleaning with bleach (which he thinks smells bad) versus Lysol (which I think smells bad), Saturday Clean-Up Day is by far our biggest unresolved housekeeping issue.  And I think I’ve figured out the reason why – I’m a “J.” 

That’s right, I’m a “J.”  On the Meyer’s-Briggs personality type sorter, I’m almost certain they were writing my biography when they made the definition of a “J” personality type.  I fit it to a T! (or to a"J")  And more recently I was introduced to the StrengthsFinders inventory tool, on which I am an “achiever;” again, whoever wrote that strength's description was obviously looking at me (and my J-ness) when they did it.  And one of the main ways you can spot my “achieving J-ness” – my lists!  I make lists.  Lots of lists.  Lists of lists.  I write things on my lists even after I’ve already done them, just so I can cross them off.  Not only do I like order, but I like organizing my order.  The organization that comes from making the lists, and the immense sense of productivity that comes from crossing things off.  I don’t even like fully completing my lists, because then I’d have nothing left to do, nothing to cross off.  I need those things.  That is a big part of my “J-ness!” 

And it is for that reason that Saturdays used to be my favorite day of the week – not because I didn’t have to work, but because I finally had a day when I could work, getting nearly everything done!  And for that reason that now Saturdays are my most difficult days.  During the work week I have to be productive, my job depends on it, which means that my J-ness has an outlet.  But not on the weekends.  Those dreaded days meant for “just relaxing around the house” means nothing gets crossed off.   And between running after the kids constantly and Miguel not liking Saturday Clean Up Day, there isn’t much time for lists and crossing off.  I very seldom get lists for my weekends – I miss my lists.  And even if there was nothing to write on a list that needed to be done on the weekend, just not having the list in the first place makes me feel as though I’ve gotten nothing accomplished – I miss my productivity.  Yes, you see, I need Saturday Clean-Up Day so I can feel like I did something.  I need Saturday Clean-Up Days so I can feel like ME! 

With that said, I am taking a big leap this year.  I’m trying a different spin on my list-making.  I'm pushing myself outside my J-shaped-box a bit, challenging the lists status-quo, spicing things up.  It’s only been two months, but so far this has been my best (and possibly even longest kept) “New Year’s Resolution” yet.  What is it?  Instead of a “to-do list,” each morning I have been writing myself a “goals list.”  What’s the difference?  My goals list can NOT be things I HAVE to do that day; they can only be things that might be fun to do as a little extra.  They’re goofy; uplifting; sometimes necessary, but for my soul and/or relationships, as opposed to my job or house; they’re creative; they’re quirky. 

At various times in my professional training I’ve been taught the rules of doing S.M.A.R.T goal-setting (goals should be: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-bound).  But the rules for my goal lists this year look a bit different.  My goals can be vague; my goals don’t have to be measurable.  For example, “be positive” or “trust.”  My goals don’t have to be attainable, or even within my control at all.  For example, “sneeze two times in a row” (I did the next day, however) or “make someone say ‘wow’” (that’s a LOT harder than it sounds!  Although I did get a “Holy Crap” and an “Uffda” out of someone).  I can't write down goals that I've already done that day (this is one of the hardest parts for me).  I can have repeat goals, and I can move unfinished goals from one day to the next; but I can’t do either of these things regularly, or it becomes a routine, a “to-do,” instead of a fun goal.

Other examples of my goals so far have included: make someone laugh; sit in my comfy chair; tell Miguel I love him before he tells me; leave work by 4:26pm; smile at a stranger; don’t get mad; drink 3 bottles of water; learn something new; don’t speed; write to an old friend; sing a country song; eat something yummy; eat something healthy; do something nice for someone I don’t like; discover a good joke; take deep breaths; thank GOD hourly; dance with my kids; see Quirky (that’s another story for another time); and many more.

Sometimes I reach my goals, and I can then cross them off (exciting!).  And sometimes I don’t.  But that’s ok, because even when I can’t cross them off, I still get to cross off “make goals list” from my to-do list.  And more importantly, if I were to write it down, I could cross off “reflect on what might make a really good day,” or “think about what you need for yourself to enjoy life and truly be living this day.”  That’s what my new goals habit has helped me to do.  And although I didn’t have either of those things written on my to-do list today, I might just go write them down now so that I can cross them off (after I cross off “write blog about goals” of course).

PS. And for those of you wondering, don’t worry about my marriage.  Miguel and I have found a compromise for Saturday Clean-Up Day – he works many Saturday mornings, so I can attempt all the list-making and crossing-off I want for those few hours.  Ahh, bring on the bleach!