Today is my son's third birthday! At least twice a day (usually more) this little man wows me with the new observant, insightful-beyond-his-years and usually cute things he says. And at least twice a night (almost guaranteed more) I tell him good night, because I just can't quite get myself to leave him. He means so much to me and I love our bedtime ritual! But at the end of it I am always torn between longing for the quiet, alone, adult time I only get for that brief period after the kids finally go to bed, and wishing with all my heart that I could be with and soak up my precious little ones just a little bit longer!
A few nights ago, after Mike took Lilly off to her room to tuck her in, Adrian and I sat on the edge of his bed while he drank his milk and told me he prays for Jesus. And we held hands. It was one of those seemingly ordinary but touched-my-heart-deeply moments of motherhood. Adrian is far from an easy child (and hasn't been since that first scare 6 weeks into my pregnancy), but he is mine. And after a long day of chasing him to come where I needed him, begging him to eat his food, asking him to be quiet, scolding him to stop hitting his sister, and asking GOD why it can't be easier, I looked down at his little hand and all that melted away into peace. I looked down at his small little hand that had somehow, I'm not even sure how, found its way into my larger one; those cute tiny fingers that used to be even tinier, wrapped around just my pointer finger the way they did when he was an infant, with his palm resting on the back of my hand. And I fought back tears at the feeling of blessedness, and at the overwhelming sense of disbelief. I couldn't believe my little baby is three already! I couldn't believe the innocence, the trust, the simplicity of his little world that has made mine so complex. And I couldn't believe that GOD would love me enough to send me those cute little fingers to teach me a love that is still only a fraction of GOD's for me (for even when I'm far from an easy child, I'm His)!
And then our prayers were done, his hands had moved from mine to his stuffed Beluga, and I once again couldn't believe that I had to say good night and leave him. I said the words I say every night as I kiss his head: "Good night Adrain, I love you, I'll see you in the morning." And as I turned to leave I couldn't help but smile and thank GOD silently but profusely when Adrian tried to strike up another conversation with me, and I got to do it all over again!
The following is a poem I wrote after our bedtime routine when Adrian was about four months old. Holding his hand for that too-fleeting moment this week and the tug on my heart as I finally had to shut his door between us for the night, reminded me of it. He may be three years older now, with a plethora of new size, words, thoughts and abilities; but when it comes to being his Mom, I guess not that much has changed.
Adrian's Bedtime Poem (2010)
Those
chubby little fingers call out to be kissed,
And your rosy red cheeks will greatly be missed;
As we tuck you in and you drift off to sleep
My love for you grows ever deep.
So close your eyes my sweet little boy.
Thank you for bringing us so much joy!
May you dream sweet dreams, and have no fear,
and know that Mom and Dad are ever near.
So rest well my little one, whom I love,
under the protection of all the Saints above.
The sandman steals your attention for now,
And I am both happy and a little sad somehow.
Wanting to be with you still longer, but entrusting you to sleep,
Praying the LORD, my baby safely to keep.
My bedtime trial, night after night,
the dance between immense love and inner fight;
Having to resist those chubby little fingers that call out to be kissed,
saying good-night to your rosy red cheeks that for 8 hours will be greatly missed!
Once again, your mother's tears fall without warning.
“Good night Adrian; I love you; and I'll see you in the morning.”
And your rosy red cheeks will greatly be missed;
As we tuck you in and you drift off to sleep
My love for you grows ever deep.
So close your eyes my sweet little boy.
Thank you for bringing us so much joy!
May you dream sweet dreams, and have no fear,
and know that Mom and Dad are ever near.
So rest well my little one, whom I love,
under the protection of all the Saints above.
The sandman steals your attention for now,
And I am both happy and a little sad somehow.
Wanting to be with you still longer, but entrusting you to sleep,
Praying the LORD, my baby safely to keep.
My bedtime trial, night after night,
the dance between immense love and inner fight;
Having to resist those chubby little fingers that call out to be kissed,
saying good-night to your rosy red cheeks that for 8 hours will be greatly missed!
Once again, your mother's tears fall without warning.
“Good night Adrian; I love you; and I'll see you in the morning.”
Happy Birthday Adrian! I love you, from your gentle little fingers to your messy hair, from the first day to the last!
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