Ironically, I offered to preview this book while we were still waiting to find out "for sure" about our latest little one, long before our latest journey of loss. And so what began as a desire to help a fellow-writer on a topic close to my heart, became a fellow-writer's book helping me on a journey of my heart.
The book is Heidi Indahl's "Blessed Is the Fruit of Thy Womb: Rosary Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss."
I met Heidi at the Catholic Women's Blogger Conference this past March. She is a Montessori home-schooling Mom of many and a wonderful witness for her (converted-to) Catholic faith! She blogs, works on curriculum for other parent-educators, loves Mary...and the best part (well, far from "best," but it was what resonated with me the most and made me love her courage) is that she writes honestly about miscarriage. That's right, at a point very shortly after we lost our third baby to miscarriage, I learned that Heidi too has lost three littles the same way. But what's more, Heidi knows the additional loss of her daughter Kenna to stillbirth and her daughter Siena to infant loss.
Her strength astounds me. Her faith and hopefulness through it all I am still praying to find. And her willingness to share about it openly and honestly is something I find too little of. Something that made my journey, especially my first loss, extremely difficult: Why is this so silent? Why do I have to pretend this never happened, like everyone around me is?
But Heidi shares her journey. And in doing so, shares her faith. And in doing so, shares a bit of the hope that all of us who have gone through similar journeys are longing to find.
So when Heidi shared that she had written a book on miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss and was looking for a few folks to review it for her, I wasted no time in zipping off my Facebook Messenger note!
I first took a look at the book in May, and liked it.
Heidi shares her own story and the journey her family have made through deaths and births and each again. She shared the joys, the sorrows, and the unexpected grace that came through it all. And although Heidi and I's journeys are different in a lot of the details, still I could relate. What's more - I felt like she was relating with me! It may seem a minor difference, if any difference at all; but for anyone who has experienced the loneliness of grief of any kind, I'm sure you can appreciate the intricacy and importance of this distinction - I wasn't alone, someone (even if only the character on a page) knew what I was thinking and feeling and going through; they were relating to me, and their understanding and affirming support meant the world!
In addition to being sucked in by her honest story, Heidi had me with her brief reflections. That's right, brief reflections. I almost hate to admit it, but as a busy, working, exhausted-would-fall-into-bed-before-my-kids-if-I-could Mom, I suck at reading! I'm a slow reader to begin with, and add to it the lack of time and lack of energy to keep my eyes open, and my best laid plans and best intentions to read anything - from the newspaper, to novels to my prayer book - usually vanish quickly. But Heidi's book was not a problem for me. There is a reflection for each mystery of the Rosary (all four sets), and each is only one page long.
And they are beautiful!
Although brief, Heidi is able to bring in real-life elements of her and other women's journey of loss that closely relates to the Mystery and the experience of Mary. I - the "Master" of Theology - found myself thinking about great theological and sacramental elements of our faith in a beautifully understandable and relate-able way.
And each reflection ended with a reflection question or two. I am an introvert, a brooder, a processor, a can't-let-it-go-er, a worrier, an I-miss-my-babies-er. So with all those things, I can guarantee you I have spent a LOT of time thinking and praying and reflecting about my experiences of loss, and where GOD is in all of it. But even with plenty of thought over the years and months, her reflections and her questions still opened me up to new thinking.
Some opened up new insights. Some opened up new comfort. Some opened both, and more.
But perhaps my favorite part of Heidi's book is that for each Mystery, after she breaks open a Gospel event, delves into Mary's love for us and all our children, invites us to think about our own experiences in new ways, then she challenges us to pray for others. There is a saying that the best way to forget your troubles is to pray for someone else's. I don't know if that is 100% true or not, but I doubt it can hurt. And it was such a beautiful thing to me to be invited to pray for all those who would find out they were pregnant this day as I prayed the decade for the Visitation, or to pray for anyone in need of a miracle as I prayed the Wedding at Cana decade, and to pray in thanksgiving for those who walked with me in my grief as I thought about the Agony in the Garden. Whether you read the book as a book, or as a prayer before each decade, or somewhere in between, the combination of reflections, questions and prayer intentions was beautifully done and opened up a place of grace for me (a place I even stayed awake for each exhausted night! :) )
I was certainly a fan of the book.
And then, the past few weeks happened....
But before I go there, I must make my confession: Mary and I, never best
friends. I mean, I love "Momma Mary" (as we call her in our house) and
know that she loves me. I love her faithfulness and strength and wish I could be more like her. But we've never really been "tight." I've
tried talking with her at different times in my life, and it never felt
like the right saint for me; I always seem to end up praying with
someone else in the end. Though there have been a few times (while
pregnant with Layla and while praying for Stephen's name last summer)
that I felt Mary speaking to me in a powerful way, I really can't list
much more than those two encounters in my life. So the Rosary
(another confession) has been a prayer I tend to say when my brain won't
stop worrying about something at night and I need the gentle repetition
to help me fall asleep, and less to meditate on Mary's love of us and
Jesus. (But I don't feel bad - did you know that St. Therese
of Lisieux - one of my patrons, being the patroness of mission - didn't
like to pray the Rosary? And she's AMAZING!! If she can become a
saint without the Rosary, I might stand a slight chance too, right?
Different devotions for different people -
the beauty of the church! But I digress...)
So without a strong relationship with Mary, and without a regular practice of the Rosary, when I first read Heidi's book, it was just that - a book. A beautiful, spiritual, relate-able and grace-filled book...but still "just" a book. It wasn't a form of retreat, as Heidi suggests it may be in her introduction. Until...
This past week, as things once again spiraled out of control on our fertility journey and we lost our fourth little angel, I found Heidi's book in my bag. Shoot! I was supposed to review that! Between our trip, a crazy work schedule immediately upon return, and then the hell of going through this all again, I had totally lost track of my doing this. So I placed it once again on my dresser beside my bed, and began to re-read it. Only this time, it was more than a book. This time, it was a prayer.
It was a prayer in that it spoke to me anew. Those same reflections and questions that meant a great deal to me even
years after my previous losses, had new and fresh meaning still after
this immediate loss.
It was a prayer to me in how it got me outside of myself. Let's just
say that the old saying proved true - during days when I can barely make it
through the drive to daycare without crying out in prayers for myself
and this journey of mine, it was a true blessing and felt like a load
was lightened on my to be able to pray for others (to not be thinking about the pain 24-7; 23-7 is a little better :) ).
And it was a prayer to me in that I prayed. I would read several reflections, and then pray those Mysteries on my Rosary. My Rosary that hung next to my bed for years and has only been grabbed a few times, now found its way next to my pillow each and every night. Maybe it's the grief, maybe it's the book, maybe it's Mary reaching out to me in a way that only another mother who has lost a child can know to do. But whatever the reason, my Rosary and I are "tight." Mary and I have a lot more in common to talk about than I realized. And I can't thank Heidi enough for the gift of sharing her journey, and Mary's, with me just when I needed it! * * * *
Whether you "need" it or not, I would recommend this book. It has beautiful insights into Mary, as well as into the loss that your family or friends (or yourself) may be going or have gone through.
To learn more about the book and it's author, visit:
Heidi's blog: www.workandplaydaybyday.com
The publisher: Peanut Butter & Grace
A Seller: Amazon.com
